Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
