I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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