when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
