my phone needs a breathalizer
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
