just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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