Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
