dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
