you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
