I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
