So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
