Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
