Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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