somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
