Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
