Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
