I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
