someone get that fucking seahorse.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
pray to the hookup gods
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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