I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
