I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize