It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
