There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
