I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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