Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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