and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
