My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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