and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
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