Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
