Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
