tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
