It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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