We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
