I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
