Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
