It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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