Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
