Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Operation Purity has been aborted
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
