I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
