Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
