i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
