Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
