i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
