Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
being pregnant is like rehab
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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