you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
