I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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