Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
