I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
