i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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