If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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