i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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