Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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