The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We left the knife in your bed.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
All I want is dick and wine.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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