I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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