I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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