dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
