when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
