EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
