there's paper in my vomit.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize