A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize